HER ROYAL THIGHNESS HUMOR BLOG
Welcome to My Kingdom New Readers!

Welcome to My Kingdom New Readers! 11

Welcome new readers. I’m glad you’ve ventured over to my kingdom! I hope it’s a place where you’ll find relatable laughs from a middle-aged, weight-challenged, semi-professional dieter and mother with a passion for musical theater. It’s my hope to make you smile and remember you’re not alone out there! Since we’re just meeting each other,(…)

Oy Vey! I’ve Been Sitting on My Tuches For Hours, Schvitzing Out This Blog!

Oy Vey! I’ve Been Sitting on My Tuches For Hours, Schvitzing Out This Blog! 27

  I was in a gourmet shop in Baltimore’s Inner Harbor when I spotted a Chinese takeout carton labeled “Jewish Fortune Cookies.” Unable to resist, I made my purchase and promptly dug into the carton to open the first one. “Oedipus, Shmedipus,” it read. “So long as you love your mother.” I smiled from ear-to-ear,(…)

Plus-Sized Blogger Cries: “The National Enquirer Was Intimidated By My Youth and Talent!”

Plus-Sized Blogger Cries: “The National Enquirer Was Intimidated By My Youth and Talent!” 32

It was the spring of 1986, and I was close to graduating with my master’s in journalism. My university arranged for editors from several publications to visit our Chicago campus, and I signed up for several interviews. But for one in particular, I was the only student to throw my name in the hat. It(…)

Thighness Gets Carried Away By Free “Swag” at Blogging Conference

Thighness Gets Carried Away By Free “Swag” at Blogging Conference 65

Several exhibitors at this year’s BlogHer 2014 conference report that their businesses have gone under in the wake of their booths being pillaged by an over-zealous blogger who calls herself Her Royal Thighness. “I don’t know what came over me,” said the middle-aged Thighness, 51, one of this year’s BlogHer Voices of the Year for humor.(…)

NYC Public Schools: I’m Sending You the Bills for My Therapy

NYC Public Schools: I’m Sending You the Bills for My Therapy 37

Everything I know about public humiliation began at P.S. 193. In Brooklyn, in the late sixties and early seventies, we gathered in the schoolyard every morning, awaiting the signal to line up by class. Until that time, the boys flipped baseball cards, hoping to score a Willie Mays, while the girls flipped Partridge Family cards,(…)

The Year I Picked a Fight With Santa

The Year I Picked a Fight With Santa 6

There’s something magical about a mall during the holidays. I love how they sparkle with glittery snowflakes and twinkle lights. I love the peppermint bark samples at Williams-Sonoma; the bath and body shops that smell like cinnamon, pumpkin spice and mistletoe; the peppy piped-in music about sleigh bells, chestnuts, firelight and faithful friends; and how(…)

I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am! (Chronicles of a Jewish Girl’s Traumatic Experience With Pork)

I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am! (Chronicles of a Jewish Girl’s Traumatic Experience With Pork) 14

When I used to come home from college on vacation, my stepmom always greeted me at the door with, “I made your favorite dinner.” Dressed in Chanel with a Donna Reed apron, she said it in the most loving way imaginable, trying to score big baklava points with my dad. She always made sure he(…)

My Dirty Little Secret: I’m Addicted to Days of Our Lives!

My Dirty Little Secret: I’m Addicted to Days of Our Lives! 20

I hate Marlena Evans. The woman’s not only rich; she’s indestructible. Marlena’s been in more than one plane crash, her house has exploded, she’s been trapped in a gas chamber, possessed by the devil, and held captive by the evil Stefano DiMera in a giant cage, decorated like Liberace’s living room, somewhere in the catacombs(…)

The Bard and the Brain Tumor: Tales of a Penitent Wretch

The Bard and the Brain Tumor: Tales of a Penitent Wretch 19

Professor Pretentious routinely posed impossible-to-answer questions and scoured the room for a response. When no one raised their hand, his pasty face and piercing blue eyes always landed on me. “Miss (maiden name),” he’d say in his intimidating Bostonian accent. I’d stammer something unintelligible, and he’d sneer, “It’s quite obvious, my dear, that you didn’t(…)

Mommy Deerest: How Cute Little Bambi Drove Me Over the Edge

Mommy Deerest: How Cute Little Bambi Drove Me Over the Edge 25

We couldn’t wait to move to our new house in a wooded neighborhood. With almost an acre of property, the gardening possibilities were endless — lilac trees and tulips, poppies and peonies. I could just see myself sipping homemade lemonade in an Adirondack chair on my deck, under a pergola of wisteria. Inside, I’d always(…)