HER ROYAL THIGHNESS HUMOR BLOG
Welcome to My Kingdom New Readers!

Welcome to My Kingdom New Readers! 9

Welcome new readers. I’m glad you’ve ventured over to my kingdom! I hope it’s a place where you’ll find relatable laughs from a middle-aged, weight-challenged, semi-professional dieter and mother with a passion for musical theater. It’s my hope to make you smile and remember you’re not alone out there! Since we’re just meeting each other,(…)

NYC Public Schools: I’m Sending You the Bills for My Therapy

NYC Public Schools: I’m Sending You the Bills for My Therapy 37

Everything I know about public humiliation began at P.S. 193. In Brooklyn, in the late sixties and early seventies, we gathered in the schoolyard every morning, awaiting the signal to line up by class. Until that time, the boys flipped baseball cards, hoping to score a Willie Mays, while the girls flipped Partridge Family cards,(…)

My Big Fat Affordable Jewish Wedding

My Big Fat Affordable Jewish Wedding 61

It was the wedding I’d always dreamed of ― at a posh estate with pristine views of autumn color along the Hudson River … a grand ballroom with spectacular chandeliers … indoor trees with tiny white lights … four-foot centerpiece topiaries of blue hydrangeas, flown in off-season from South Carolina. As the jazz band played,(…)

What Happens in the Dishwasher Stays in the Dishwasher … For Days!

What Happens in the Dishwasher Stays in the Dishwasher … For Days! 46

At my house, emptying the dishwasher is one of those “Tag, you’re it” games, along with brushing the dog’s teeth, cleaning up fur balls, and disposing of a belly-up palmetto bug the size of small Volkswagen. When there are no more glasses or forks left in the house, my husband is the one who typically(…)

The Skinny Dipping Trauma That Cured Me of Public Nudity

The Skinny Dipping Trauma That Cured Me of Public Nudity 33

It was the summer after my junior year of college, and I was working as a camp counselor in Connecticut. For three years, I’d been stuck at a women’s college that I sardonically referred to as “the nunnery,” and I was absolutely giddy to be socializing with guys again. So one night, after returning from(…)

I Outed the Tooth Fairy and Traumatized My Child

I Outed the Tooth Fairy and Traumatized My Child 59

My childhood was anything but magical. My mom died the summer after fourth grade, after an extended illness. So I spent a lot of time in a fantasy world, with a hairbrush as a microphone, belting Broadway show tunes Merman style and choreographing Gypsy Rose Lee stripteases to “Let Me Entertain You.” I pretended to be(…)

What’s Wuv Got to Do With It?

What’s Wuv Got to Do With It? 16

I remember having to decorate a shoebox with red construction paper and cake doilies so my sixth grade teacher could distribute Valentines into our “mailboxes.” These were the days before the “everyone gets a trophy” mentality … before the entire class got invited to a birthday party … before parents sent in heart-shaped lollipops for(…)

A Picture Paints a Thousand Twinkies: Ten Rules for Photographing the Bride

A Picture Paints a Thousand Twinkies: Ten Rules for Photographing the Bride 31

I hate my wedding photos … not just the photos taken by my photographer, but every candid shot taken by friends and family, and every picture from every disposable camera put on every table. Now let me add that hating my wedding photos is by no means a slam on the dear friend who generously(…)

The Year I Picked a Fight With Santa

The Year I Picked a Fight With Santa 6

There’s something magical about a mall during the holidays. I love how they sparkle with glittery snowflakes and twinkle lights. I love the peppermint bark samples at Williams-Sonoma; the bath and body shops that smell like cinnamon, pumpkin spice and mistletoe; the peppy piped-in music about sleigh bells, chestnuts, firelight and faithful friends; and how(…)

I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am! (Chronicles of a Jewish Girl’s Traumatic Experience With Pork)

I Do Not Like It, Sam I Am! (Chronicles of a Jewish Girl’s Traumatic Experience With Pork) 14

When I used to come home from college on vacation, my stepmom always greeted me at the door with, “I made your favorite dinner.” Dressed in Chanel with a Donna Reed apron, she said it in the most loving way imaginable, trying to score big baklava points with my dad. She always made sure he(…)

Don’t Take a Chance: Why You Should Play Monopoly Before Boardwalking Down the Aisle

Don’t Take a Chance: Why You Should Play Monopoly Before Boardwalking Down the Aisle 8

My husband Jim won’t trade in Monopoly … even if it’s a fair deal, in which we each end up with property that’s comparably priced. You see, Jim would rather no one get a monopoly and make the game go on forever than risk landing on someone else’s hotel and owing rent up the whazoo.(…)

Four Weeks in FarmVille

Four Weeks in FarmVille 4

Dedicated to anyone out there who’s ever been addicted to an online game that ends in “world,” “wars” or “ville.” Once upon a time, I was mindlessly surfing Facebook, when a message popped up in my newsfeed: “Brenda could really use some help fertilizing her crops in FarmVille!” Not thinking much of it, I continued scrolling.(…)

My Dirty Little Secret: I’m Addicted to Soaps!

My Dirty Little Secret: I’m Addicted to Soaps! 20

I hate Marlena Evans. The woman’s not only rich; she’s indestructible. Marlena’s been in more than one plane crash, her house has exploded, she’s been trapped in a gas chamber, possessed by the devil, and held captive by the evil Stefano DiMera in a giant cage, decorated like Liberace’s living room, somewhere in the catacombs(…)

The Bard and the Brain Tumor: Tales of a Penitent Wretch

The Bard and the Brain Tumor: Tales of a Penitent Wretch 19

Professor Pretentious routinely posed impossible-to-answer questions and scoured the room for a response. When no one raised their hand, his pasty face and piercing blue eyes always landed on me. “Miss (maiden name),” he’d say in his intimidating Bostonian accent. I’d stammer something unintelligible, and he’d sneer, “It’s quite obvious, my dear, that you didn’t(…)

Mommy Deerest: How Cute Little Bambi Drove Me Over the Edge

Mommy Deerest: How Cute Little Bambi Drove Me Over the Edge 25

We couldn’t wait to move to our new house in a wooded neighborhood. With almost an acre of property, the gardening possibilities were endless — lilac trees and tulips, poppies and peonies. I could just see myself sipping homemade lemonade in an Adirondack chair on my deck, under a pergola of wisteria. Inside, I’d always(…)