I’ve always joked that if you’re rich, there’s no excuse for being overweight, because you can afford fat farms, personal trainers and private chefs.
I remember reading years ago that Jennifer Aniston had Zone meals delivered to her door … unlike the rest of us, who had to buy the book, then mash our own garbanzo beans to spoon into our yolkless hard boiled eggs every time we wanted a snack. Remember that diet? Every meal had to be 40% carbohydrates, 30% protein, and 30% fat. You had to be an idiot savant in math to pack a lunch.
And let’s get real about the celebrities who who talk up the famous diets on TV. They make millions off these endorsements and are paid handsomely for every pound they lose. They’re able to monetize getting fat and losing weight. taking home anywhere between $500,000 and $3 million for their efforts.
According to Jo Piazza, author of Celebrity Inc.: How Famous People Make Money, on an average, celeb diet endorsers make roughly $33,000 a pound, and some make a lot more than that. Jessica Simpson’s deal with Weight Watchers was reportedly worth $3 million. If she had to lose 50 pounds, that’s $60,000 a pound. If she had to lose 30, that’s $100,000 a pound. I’d venture to guess even the Guinness Book of World Records guy who had to be buried in a piano box might have cut carbs with an incentive like that.
So while I acknowledge that even celebrities struggle with their size, I think the average consumer is much more inspired when one of their own wins the battle of the bulge … for free. That’s why I contacted Jenny Craig a month ago, to see if they might be willing to help an overweight blogger.
I decided to take a humorous approach to getting Jenny’s attention. I topped off my cover letter with a top 10 list:
10 Reasons Why Her Royal Thighness Needs to Partner With Jenny Craig
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You know it’s time to diet, when you bust a hole in your Spanx.
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Even the best shaper cannot change Thighness’s Law: What goes in one place must come out somewhere else. What good is the torso of a Victoria’s Secret “angel” if you have so much fat re-routed, you have boobs on your back?
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With 235 pounds of pressure on my feet, they’ve become Flintstonian. Just try to find shoes wide enough to fit ― that aren’t scuba diving flippers.
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Nothing says sexy like going to bed in lingerie and a CPAP mask.
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I’m tired of shopping in stores that lump my size in with maternity.
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I’d like an outfit made of cotton, silk, or any other fabric that won’t melt to my skin in a flash fire.
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I turn a lot in my sleep … like a rotisserie chicken. I wake up several times a night because I’m strangling myself in my CPAP tubing. My life-saving apparatus is killing me.
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When you’re middle-aged and fat in Florida, you already sweat like Pavarotti hitting a high note. How am I going to know when I’m going through “the change?” It already feels like I’m wearing a parka.
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I’m a disappointment to the opposite sex. It appears that I have DD knockers, but when I take off my bra, it’s apparent that all I have is underarm fat that’s been tucked into my underwire.
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At 51, nobody asks me when I’m due anymore. The secret’s out: I’m fat.
My letter then went on to tell my heartfelt story of why I need Jenny’s help desperately. More of that in another blog. What could I give back? Well, in just a year I’ve cultivated between 7,000 to 8,000 page views a month on my site, and I only blog once a week. Those numbers will increase if I blog more, and I’d commit to not only writing my weekly humor blog, but additional blogs once or twice a week about my lifestyle change. I’d Google. I’d Pinterest. I’d Tweet. I am what is known in the marketing world as an evangelist. If I love your product, I will tell anyone and everyone about it … unsolicited, for free!
I told Jenny that, according to Google Analytics, I have an audience of mostly women, 35 and up, and based on comments on my blog and Facebook, most of them are looking to make positive changes in their lives, too. Some are navigating motherhood, while others are discovering new dreams and dusting off old ones in the wake of children growing up and moving out. My readers clearly embrace imperfection. They’re old enough to laugh at themselves and situations that once made them cry.
I told Jenny I desperately need help. It’s more than not feeling comfortable in my own skin … feeling like there’s something on me that I can’t get off. I have honestly never felt worse in my entire life. Here’s my laundry list:
- I have sleep apnea and my sleep study showed that I wake up well over 150 times a night. And I’m afraid of dying in my sleep, which happens with people with this condition.
- I have PCOD (polycystic ovarian disease), which already is linked to a high risk for diabetes. I am playing roulette with my life.
- Fat increases estrogen, which is causing me to get growths in my uterus that are hemorrhaging. I’ve had two D&Cs in four years and when it’s “that time of the month,” I literally cannot leave the house, because I bleed through two tampons, pads and my pants in half an hour.
- I’ve had two knee surgeries, including ACL reconstruction, and my bad knee isn’t going to hold up very much longer at my weight.
- Both knees hurt … even my good one.
- I’m tired all the time.
- I’m finding myself out of breath doing simple things.
- My lower back hurts from all the weight I’m carrying. It is most uncomfortable in a reclining position. I can’t sleep, and I usually end up waking up in the middle of the night and going to sleep in the living room in a recliner, so I can be more upright and have lumbar support. In this position, I can breathe better and my back hurts less. But this is NOT doing wonders for my marriage.
- In the last year and a half, I’ve gone from a size 10 to a size 3X, and nothing fits me. I can’t afford to keep buying new clothes, so I go to work every day, feeling frumpy and like anything BUT a winner.
- I’m really scared of dying. Did I say that already? My mother died of cancer when I was 10. Something has been missing from my life ALL my life, and I desperately don’t want my daughter to experience this gaping lack of presence and nurturing … or the sadness of not having a mom during all of the high and low points of her life.
It’s been a month now, and I’d like to say I’ve heard back from Jenny, but in actuality, I’ve heard bubkas. And I can’t wait for her anymore. Ultimately, I realize, it all comes down to me, anyway … MY resolve … MY willpower … MY willingness to put my health before a Fig Newton. Ultimately, we all have to save ourselves.
So two and a half weeks ago, I put myself on a healthy eating plan. I was in my more-handsome-than-George-Clooney doctor’s office, complaining of lower back pain comparable to labor. He lifted up my stomach and said, “Do you feel it now?” And when the pressure of my weight was off my back, no, I didn’t. He didn’t berate me. I do that well enough myself. Feeling like a failure is one of the things that drives me to eat. But I’ll tell you what he did offer. He offered me an eating plan that he made up himself, that is easy enough for a monkey to follow. He based it on the science of metabolism, but dumbed it down for the masses. In two weeks, I’ve lost 11 pounds. I’m never hungry. I have no cravings. And I feel good that I’m taking back control of my life. I told my doctor he should write a diet book. He laughed and said it’s so easy, all he’d really be able to write is a pamphlet!
I am simultaneously trying to break a 45-year addiction to diet soda, which just may be worse than giving up crystal meth. Because while chips and dip are NOT calling my name, #E3 in the beverage machine at work taunts me every time I pass it on my way to the ladies room: “Parriiiiiii … you know you want me … come get my artificially flavored, brain-tumor-causing cancer in a can. Your liver hasn’t bathed in my chemical goodness in days.” In the recent year, my habit has come to exceed three cans and 2 20-ounce bottles a day… that’s more than a six-pack.
In the weeks to come, I’ll be writing my usual humor blog once a week, but adding lifestyle posts, where I talk about the journey to changing my life. I hope you will join me, whatever your size, in exchanging ideas, recipes and your own stories, even when you’re NOT feeling on top of the world. I’ve decided to do this publicly, because I need help. And I want to offer the same to anyone out there who needs support, too.
What I’ve discovered in my one year of blogging is an amazingly supportive community of writing colleagues and readers, all eager to share in life’s experiences … the good, the bad and the ugly. And that’s what these posts will be about. I’ll always try to write with humor, because that’s who I am. But I sometimes feel like I’ve boxed myself in with a humor blog … that I have so much more say. I hope you’ll join me in this journey, even if yours doesn’t include weight loss. Because these posts will be about so much more than that.
It’s about the finding the best version of yourself.
This honest, heartfelt essay took a lot of bravery to post, Parri! Kudos on trying to make a positive change in your life. Each little success will lead to larger successes.
Looking forward to following along and supporting you with humor on your journey to feeling better.
Thank you so much for your encouraging words, Paprika. I don’t think I’ll ever be a single-digit size or have a thigh gap, but I’d be thrilled to be a 12, to be able to run again, and to be there for my daughter and husband, who both light up my life. For the first time, I’m not thinking of it as a diet, but a complete lifestyle overhaul. Somehow, everything has finally clicked and I’m ready to embrace this change. I appreciate your support!
I need that dumb-ed down diet!
If it’s easy enough to follow with 3 kids, church, working full time, while selling Avon on the side for extra money…wow! Especially if it doesn’t cost a fortune!
If it’s something my kids & hubby will eat & stay FULL….BONUS!! Then I’m not fixing me special food!
I’m not sure it will work for everybody, but stay tuned, because I wrote so much, I had to divide it into three blogs. And it’s not easy juggling so many things in our lives, is it? But we have to put ourselves first sometimes, at least when it comes to taking care of ourselves, so we can be there for the people we love. I do work a full-time job and freelance to make ends meet. I so get it. And I hope that anything I can offer can help those of us in this situation. We can do this! Join me on http://www.LoseIt.com. It’s a great place to track your food and exercise, so you don’t suffer “calorie amnesia!” Plus we can leave each other messages of support and encouragement … on good days and bad. It calculates how many calories you should be eating to lose at your weight and age. I’m finding it to be a great tool. I keep it open on my computer all day at work and log everything I put in my mouth. There’s a phone app, too! If you use the tool, however, DON”T let it connect with Facebook or Twitter, or every time you lose a pound, it will broadcast it to the entire world. Your weight and what you eat are completely private. No one will see that but you.
I’ve used LoseIt and MyFitnessPal both in past years. I feel as if I get so obsessed with calories & nutrition facts that I make food un-enjoyable for my family. When I use them just to track what I eat, without “limiting” I find that I rarely go over my “limit”
so can’t figure out why I sit at the same weight even at a deficit for my supposed calorie usage.
If I could afford it, I’d buy one of those packaged systems that just says here’s your meals for the next week, just open & eat. I need it that simple but within my grocery budget. *sigh*
I get it. That’s why I wanted Jenny Craig’s help. I did it once before (blog on that later this week) and I was really successful. It wasn’t Jenny who failed me; it was ME who failed me. For the last three years, my husband and I have had a child in and out of the hospital, all while trying to sustain and eventually close a failing business. In the wake of losing everything and realizing we may never be able to retire, I turned to food. Jenny was an idiot proof diet, and I consistently lost 3 1/2 pounds a week, EVERY week. I told everyone and their uncle about it. Now I need Jenny’s help, but Jenny doesn’t want a nobody. Jenny wants stars. So I’m going it alone. Later this week I’ll talk about what I’m doing that’s working for me, with the hope that others might benefit too. Best of luck in your journey, and please stay part of the conversation. We can all help each other on this path to good health. We can all learn a lot from each other!
I can’t find you on Lose It! 🙁
I’m yocum1219
Can’t find you either. Looks like we need email addresses. I’m parri@royalthighness.com. Try that!
Count me in, Parri. Whatever you write I will read, share and comment on. Write on!
I cannot tell you how much your support means to me. I hope to offer the same to you! We can do this thing!
Way to go on the 11 lbs, GREAT start!! Keep it going, and keep going with being off the diet soda. Jenny should’ve called. She’ll never know how awesome you are.
Thank you, Teri. My friend Brian thinks if Jenny never calls, Weight Watchers just might. Now if I can only get famous before that call, so they pay ME $100,000 a pound. Why hasn’t Hollywood discovered me yet??? Thanks for the encouraging words. This blogging community is truly an amazing gift!
Go Parri! I’ve been sticking to low flour, low sugar as much as possible for several years now and it makes a difference. It really is a lifestyle change to make this the rule (I do allow for exceptions, though it took a while of being really strict). And move–walk, swim, dance, whatever–even just take a walk, that always makes me feel better. Sending lots of love!
I am amazed with how you took off weight years ago and kept it off. Without a doubt, cutting out flour and sugar have almost completely eliminated my cravings. Now I need to move more. I miss running, but my knees cannot take it until I’m lighter. In the time being, I like the elliptical, because it’s good for 600 calories an hour. So even if I can only get on for half an hour or 40 minutes, I feel like I’m killing a lot of fat. You’ve been telling me for years that I need to start swimming. I think I’ll look up the pool schedule right now! Love to you across the ocean my dear, dear old friend. I miss you.
I am right there with ya. In only six months gained back all 55 pounds I lost in 2012. I blame my medication but I also blame myself for not taking better control. Granted I have said to friends that it was a bit of a sacrifice because I was trying to get my mental health back in order. Now that that is better, I have no more excuses. Time to get my act together!
I wish you the best of luck on this weight loss journey. Don’t think of it as a diet. Think of it as an important lifestyle change. =)
Thank you for taking the time to share your thoughts. Don’t beat yourself up. My next blog is on how I went from being in the best shape of my life (my goal for turning 50) to the worst shape of my life, just 2 years later. A lot of emotional stuff got me there … a chronically sick kid … our business going under … financial ruin. I don’t know why I turn to food when these things happen. It’s not like it really fixes anything. But that’s my M.O. too. I think the important thing is to not look back, but to look forward and ask ourselves what we can do right now to take charge of our own lives. I agree that it isn’t a diet … it’s a new way of thinking … a lifestyle change. We can both do this. I’ve been listening to inspiring audiobooks on my commute to and from work. That’s helping … keeping positive thoughts and goals in the forefront of my mind. I wish you the best of luck on your journey, too. And if you want to join me on LoseIt.com, I’m RoyalThighness and we can support each other!
Keeping off lost weight is definitely part of the issue! Lost 50 lbs in 2011. My daughter got sick, we started remodeling a house, moving, etc. Life just gets in the way! And food is such a comforting thing! And the healthiest stuff is so often beyond the budget!!
I lost 60 on Jenny and gained it all back, plus 3. I understand only too well that feeling of letting yourself down and turning to food for comfort when life is handing you lemons. I’m hoping we can all support each other in this journey!
You are so right! If someone were paying me to lose weight, it would be easier. However, look at the celebs who still gain it back…so obviously, it’s just as hard for them as the rest of us.
Got a question for you…not sure if this would help, but maybe as a crutch while you’re working on losing weight…have you tried a belly support band, like for preggers? If your tummy is actually hurting your back, it would seem a brace might make you feel better. I know the last thing you want to do is wear maternity items while not actually pregnant, but maybe it’s worth a shot?
I’m not in back pain when I’m standing as much as when I’m laying down. I’ve tried the pillows under the knees and all of the chiropractic positioning tricks. I don’t know about the band. I didn’t feel like it helped me that much during pregnancy either. Thanks for the suggestion, though. What the heck? It’s worth a shot!
I know this is going to sound crazy, but the position that hurts my back the least is the yoga position called Child’s Pose. I can only do it for a few minutes til my lower legs get numb, but it stretches everything nicely with no strain & provides some awesome relief!
Thanks for the suggestion. I’m going to look that up on Google right now!
Well Poop on Jenny Craig! you’re probably better off with your doctor’s diet anyway. Will you be sharing some of his meal plan in the future? I’ve just recently been diagnosed with diabetes and am struggling to lose weight. Wish you lived in Texas so we could exercise together!
I will be writing more blogs, telling people what I’m doing, what I’m picking up from different books I’m reading … what’s working and what isn’t. I had way more than I could fit in this blog, but my next two will get down to the nitty gritty! Good luck in your own journey. I know how hard it is, but we can all support each other. One thing I have done is to start being accountable, so I don’t suffer “calorie amnesia” for little bites that add up. I’m logging my food and exercise on http://www.LoseIt.com, which calculated how many calories I can have in a day to lose weight at my age (52 next month). The first several days, I went way over. But now I’m learning to make those calories count and to eat foods, like ground turkey chili and lentil soup that pack a punch … low in calories and they keep me full longer. Stay tuned for more. We can win this thing! Join me on Lose It. We can message each other and support each other. No one can see what you’re eating or how much you weigh. That part is private.
OK, I loved you the second I met you , but now you are my FUCKING HERO!!! All I want is to lose 40 lbs (that’s all???) yes, but I refuse to weigh myself, so that’s a bit challenging simply from a logistics perspective. Any chance you’d share the monkey plan? XOX
Thank you so much for your kind words. This was a scary blog to write, because I really feel like I put myself out there and made myself really vulnerable … especially revealing my weight. But I need to grow. This humor stuff is confining me, because there are weeks when I don’t feel funny. I’m a human being going through a very difficult time in my life, and I have so many other things I want to say, besides just telling funny stories. Yes, I’ll be telling people what I’m doing in the next blog. I wrote so much I have to divide it … about how I was on Jenny once and what happened … about little changes I’m making that are adding up to a big difference. If I can help ANYBODY, I want to do that!
Yes! Please share the monkey plan? Will look more closely into loseit.com after I have a hearty lunch . . . 🙂
Stay tuned, Kate! I wrote so much, I had to divide it into three blogs! Good luck to you on your journey, too!
Oh, you beautiful girl! I’m also 51 and battling major weight gain,but your honest, hilarious, and quite frankly, POWERFUL approach to this problem is exactly what we all need! To heck with your doctor, YOU should write a book about your weight loss journey. I’ve been using a FitBit and myfitnesspal.com to track my walking & food and over a few months have managed to shed 32 pounds. It’s a drop in the Atlantic compared to what I need to lose, but it’s an encouraging start. We’re all in this together! It’s not easy, but it does get easier every week. Every step I take on my morning walk is a step further away from health problems and the embarrassment of being 5’1″ and shopping in plus-sized department.
I look forward to reading more about your journey and being inspired by your realistic and human approach. We don’t need no stinkin’ Jenny Craig!
I am so truly touched by your comments. And I find such inspiration in talking to other people who share this battle and are WINNING! Thank you for sharing your story, too. And please continue to be part of this conversation. Because in this thing called life, we all need to gratefully accept support from wherever we can get it. 32 pounds is nothing to sneeze at in these change-of-life years when you can gain a pound from a stalk of celery! I’m proud of you. And I’m looking forward to having a partner in crime!
“There is a special place in Hell for women who do not help other women.” ~ Madeline Albright
Yes! We can ALL do this and learn from and support each other. Celery be damned!
I agree! I’m hoping to start a dialogue through comments, on Lose It, on FB and start supporting each other on the road to being healthier!
Jenny has no clue what a great opportunity they are missing out on. I’m sure you’re going to do great without her. Thanks for the laughs, I think you should send your top 10 list to the night talk shows bet they could help you get Jenny’s attention and who knows, as funny as you are, you could also become one of their writers…It could happen ;=)
I love the way you think! Thank you so much for your support and encouragement. It means the world to me. Great ideas!
I have MANY pairs of back boobs. I should invent a multiple-tiered “back brassiere” with like 6 or 8 cups.
You are HILARIOUS! I love that idea!
Yay for you. I’m feeling inspired. I’ve gained so much weight in just the last year. Can my metabolism get any slower? I’m going to check the site out and am looking forward to your posts on this journey.
I’m so excited to find other people on the same journey! I figure we can all support each other!
You may need my email to find me. I’m parri@royalthighness.com
I’m so glad you’ll be commenting and contributing to the conversation. I’m hoping we can all help each other!
good deal! what’s the diet? is it low carb?
I’m definitely cutting down on bad carbs. I’ve pretty much given up bread, pasta, rice and sugar. But I’m finding that there are lots of other things to eat. And once you lose that taste of sugar, things like red peppers actually start to taste flavorful. I’ve decided that sugar is for me what alcohol is for an alcoholic. I just can’t have it. I’m hoping in time I completely stop wanting it. It’s been three weeks now and I’m not craving anything. But I visually want it if I see it. So I take new routes through the office, avoiding people with candy on their desks and such. I’m sort of combining diets, because I’m reading a book on brain healthy foods, too. I only want to eat things that pack a punch in terms of nutrition now. More in an upcoming blog!
I’m so inspired by your commitment! What started off as a humor piece is so very motivational and I hope Jenny sees this!! You definitely serve as a role model for all of us!
You are so sweet. Thank you so much for such kind words. I hope that me getting my act together can help other people. I’ll be tweeting at least once a week about my challenges and how I’m getting through them, and I’ll be looking for comments and suggestions from readers … anything that can help the community! Thanks for all of your encouragement!
I am anxiously awaiting your next posts! I have been struggling with my weight for far too long and would like to read how someone else is managing to be successful. I gave up my beloved diet Dr. Pepper six weeks ago…day 4 was the worst. I was almost crying in my car as I drove home that day. But here I am nearly 6 weeks later, soda-free. I still think about it every.single.day but I remind myself of how hard day 4 was and how I don’t want to do that again and it keeps me from swinging through the drive-thru.
OMG, Diet Dr. Pepper is my drug of choice too! You’ve gone 6 weeks? You should be so proud of yourself. I know how awful it is and I’m hoping it gets easier. Good God, what’s in that stuff … heroin? I can walk by Dunkin Donuts, but man I want a soda. But if I’m going to be healthy, I have to give that up too, even though it has zero calories. I hear you can clean an engine with it. What the heck has it done to my insides? I only hope I can undo whatever unseen damage was done, because I am an addict. They need a Betty Ford Clinic for sodaholics! Congratulations on your success!
I’m rooting for you lady! I’d love to see you touting Jenny Craig! I’m dying – #6 & #7! hahaha
Still no word from Jenny. I’m on my own out here. Think I’m going to make a meme out of my Top 10 list and blast it everywhere. For now, though, I’m going it alone.
I’m trying to get rid of the Diet Coke habit. A nutritionist once told me that one can of Diet Coke had like 15 packets of sweetener! (I don’t remember the exact number, but it was A LOT!) OMG…what have I been doing to myself? I used to say, “Well, it’s cheaper and better for me than crack!” But you know what? I don’t think that’s the case anymore. At least crack would make me skinny! I need to lose A LOT of weight. I start, then I fail. Then I eat more. The cycle continues. And it won’t be the Halloween candy that does me in tomorrow, it will be the nachos and cocktails at a friend’s house. Mmmm…nachos! But you know what? If you can do it, so can I. Screw Jenny Craig! They don’t know what they’re missing in you. You can inspire many without them. You’ve inspired me! And that’s no easy task.
Today is Day 21 of eating healthy and Day 11 of no diet soda (I had to wean slowly, so I wouldn’t get headaches, because I was drinking the equivalent of about a six-pack a day). And I think if you put a piece of chocolate lava cake in front of me right now, I could pass. But if you put a Diet Dr. Pepper on my desk, I’d be resisting the urge like a junkie trying to NOT take a hit. What on earth do they put in that stuff that makes me feel like an absolute addict? I WANT IT! It’s complete poison, but I want it. I do think there is something in it that triggers something in your brain to want more food. I know I’m better off without it. And thank you for saying that JC is missing out. It means so much to me that I’ve inspired ANYbody. I hope my public journey will help anyone else who is struggling!
I would say it’s a combination of the caffeine & artificial sweetener. Either one on their own causes issues, but I’ve figured out if it’s missing ONE of the two, it’s less difficult to resist. Diet caffeine-free anything I can leave alone. ‘Fully loaded’ soda, I can pass. Something about Diet Dr Pepper or Diet Mt Dew…yes please!! Almost every time! And I know it’s part of why I don’t sleep well, but yet I keep drinking it!
Are you my lost-at-birth twin? Because this sums me up to the T!
A sister of the heart at a minimum! 🙂
I’m just at an earlier stage in life’s journey with kids & such. Mine are 12, 10, & 5. Sometimes the hubby counts too though! 😉
Hi Parri – thank you for so honestly sharing a piece of yourself with the world. I have a couple of thoughts to share in response. For your heavy bleeding, are there some minimally invasive surgical options that might help, such as uterine embolization. It just doesn’t seem like you should be suffering so much.
On another note, I could relate to this post. About 6 months ago I had a partial hysterectomy. (I kept my ovaries). Since then, my body – after being vaulted into menopause – has changed so much. I have added weight in places I didn’t know could get fat (like my underarms!). The bottom line is, I feel uncomfortable and I don’t like how I feel or look. I look forward to hearing about your weight loss journey and please, share your healthy recipee tips!! All the best, Lisa
PS – Your doctor sounds awesome!