I have a problem with the F word.
People throw it around like it’s nothing, but I don’t agree.
Most of the time, it’s tacky and gratuitous. And when I let myself slip, it almost always gets me in trouble.
I’d venture to say that most of my marital conflicts can be attributed to this four-letter word. My Midwestern husband absolutely cannot stand it and doesn’t think it has any place in our home. And frankly, I don’t want my daughter witnessing this kind of crass behavior.
So that’s it. I’m turning over a new leaf. This vile word is officially banned from my vocabulary. From this day forward, I will never again mutter any noun prefaced with the word: “free.”
This goes for pens with the names of attorneys and insurance companies that aren’t ours.
It goes for items the neighbors couldn’t get rid of in their garage sales but think we might like. (Note to self: If the last 50 garage sales we passed had a Thighmaster, there’s no reason to believe we will use one either.)
I will no longer accept free trials of magazines, because I don’t read them; I just hoard them for the day that I might read them, then inevitably get charged for the subscription, because I forget to cancel.
That’s only one of the ways that “free” has threatened my happy marriage. I could build a literal and figurative wall between me and my husband with my totebag collection. Over the years I’ve collected hundreds of them … fancy leather totes, vinyl totes, canvas totes, plastic totes, straw totes … in every color imaginable … branded with the logos of Hillborough County Public Schools, United Healthcare, Royal Caribbean and Legally Blonde the Musical (free with a program).
My Husband Stages an Intervention
Jim tries to get me to thin my collection, to no avail. So, periodically, he stages an intervention.Before we moved from New Jersey to Florida, for instance, he set up a game in the basement that he stole off an episode of Clean Sweep on TLC.
Jim put a laundry basket on one side of the basement and made me stand on the other with a really bouncy ball. For every basket I made, I could keep one tote. For every one I missed, I had to put two pieces of my hoard in a pile to be hauled away. At the end of the game, two garbage bags were filled for Goodwill, and I got to keep a select six. I have to admit that letting go did make me feel a lot lighter.
But that was seven years ago. A new tower of totes has accumulated in my Florida closet. And apparently, if I would like to stay married to Jim, they have to go.
But as he rifles through my collection, he’s met with comments like:
“Oh, not that red one. That’s from my Erma Bombeck Writer’s Workshop. It brings back fond memories of my recent best weekend ever with 300 fellow humor writers in Dayton, Ohio.”
“Ok, what about one of these,” he asks, holding up two identical canvas Moss Creek Goldendoodle totes.
“Those are the dog’s overnight bags,” I cry.
“How about this one, then?” he asks, holding up my Princess Cruises tote.
“That one’s reversible. That’s highly unusual in a tote. See? It’s blue AND black. And did I mention it’s waterproof?”
“Well what about this one?”
“It’s lemon yellow … perfect for the beach.”
That’s when I zing one below the belt:
“It’s your fault. You gave them to me.”
My husband was a buyer for two high-end department stores and, more recently, his own boutique, so I have “fashion” totes from every shoe company and accessories show since 1994 when we got married … which makes it kind of his fault that my totes overfloweth. Let’s face it. He’s trying to throw stones, but he’s an enabler.
“You’re supposed to get rid of the old ones when I bring you new ones,” he argues. “Okay what about this one from Pre-Paid Legal. This is hideous.”
“I know, but I thought I’d paint over it with fabric paints … or quilt over it. You know … a la Pinterest.”
“Are you kidding me?” he says, suggesting that I need a 12-step program for totaholics. He shrugs and walks away.
It’s Genetic, Possibly
Okay, I have problems. I’m not denying that. Free is a dangerous word for me. I’m not really sure when it started. I was appalled by my parents’ generation, when they pilfered ashtrays and towels from hotels, like the company stocked them as souvenirs.
“What are you doing?” I used to ask my Gram when she stuffed the onion rolls at Wolfie’s into her purse.
“What?” she’d say. “They can’t serve these again. They’re just going to throw them out. They want you to take them. That’s why they put so many on the table.”
No, my generation was going to be different. We were the generation that swore we’d never pocket the Sweet ‘n’ Low. But apparently, I still got the free gene. It just manifests itself in a different way. I have 10,000 tubes of Sensodyne toothpaste and off-brand floss from every dentist I’ve been to since 1976. I hate that toothpaste. It foams so much, I feel like I have end-stage rabies. I’m a blue gel with breath strips girl. Why do I accept these lovely parting gifts? Why don’t I just say “No thank you?”
Because they’re free. My daughter is 18, and I still make her take a Shrek sticker at the doctor’s office … after I grab a few free samples of diaper rash cream. I get so completely caught up in the fact that I scored something I didn’t have to pay for that I neglect to realize until I get it home that I don’t need it, don’t use it, don’t have a place for it, and probably don’t even like it. All I know is that when an item is free, I have to have it. And I can’t just take one; I’ll grab 10. I once left a pet fair with 10 packages of treats for a pet I didn’t own.
I’ll do a jig at a health fair, if I can score an extra coupon clipper that says “Blue Cross Blue Shield,” or more than one chip clip branded with the Prudential logo. I’ve stopped at a Publix booth and grabbed a handful plastic green gizmos that clip your grocery list to your shopping cart.
“How many lists do you have?” my husband asked.
“I thought I’d give them to friends.”
“Is it really so hard to hold a list in your hand?” he replied.
Touché.
At a running expo a year and a half ago, I got a bag full of free lanyards that you wear around your neck to hold an ID badge. Sure, I need a badge to get in and out of work … but HR gave me a holder. Who needs multiple holders? Do people change these out to coordinate with their outfits?”
Not All Freebies Come From Strangers
My problems go way beyond fair freebies. When a relative is moving and thinning out their possessions, I’m the one who inherits the “very valuable” heirloom figurines shaped like salty sailors, schoolmarms and peasant children cozying up under an umbrella ― items that every other relative has declined but that meant so much to grandma.
I’m not a collector of these dustables. They don’t reflect my taste and don’t go with my décor. Honestly, they don’t go with the décor of anyone living in the 21st Century. You cannot give these things away on ebay. That valuable figurine may have a $1,250 book value and bear the rare stamp of a Bavarian nun, but all the people who collected them drove their Edsels to the big farm in the sky. So they’re packed neatly in bubble wrap in boxes, taking up valuable real estate in four shoebox-sized closets of my bungalow.
Free is a bad, bad word.
From now I will squelch any impulse to click on Internet sites that promise free samples, send me one lousy packet of Garnier Fructis, then fill my inbox with spam for 11 months. My new philosophy is “Just. Say. No.” … no to the matching beer cozies that say “Direct Auto Insurance” … no to the free Kuhn Honda and Jeep keychain … no to the Wells Fargo lunch cooling tote and the Liberty Mutual retractable measuring tape. I don’t even want the sticker that says “I gave blood today.” Why are they trying to make that into a fashion statement?
Free never ends well. I’m even saying goodbye to free drink refills. I finally stopped to do the math and add up all the cancer-causing chemicals in one diet soda, better yet four, and I no longer celebrate the fact that the local taco, burger and chicken joints are allowing me to kill myself for free.
I don’t even want anyone’s free advice … on child rearing, marital strife, job hunting or what kind of clothes look good on a large lady.
I am done with the word “free.” DONE.
Well, except for the free samples they throw in at Clinique and Lancome counters. I love those.
But that’s it.
… Oh, and the free panties at Victoria’s Secret. Those are worth $7.50.
But that’s where I draw the line. Right there in the sand.
.… next to the free umbrella I’ll score if I spend $75 on bras. You need bras anyway . And umbrellas are actually useful. Especially cute pink ones.
This isn’t the first time the word “free” has gotten me into trouble. Read When You Wish Upon a Star, Don’t Be a Cheapskate!
Bwahaha! You totally had me! I am so relieved, because I totally love THAT F-word. 😉
I know, right? I would have lost a lot of readers if I’d gone in that direction! (especially the NY crowd!)
So funny! I snorted at this line: “That’s highly unusual in a tote.”
And I’ll confess I absolutely LOVE the free makeup totes that Estee Lauder gives with purchase — I collect those like a crazy lady and never use the free makeup inside them — I just love those darling little make-up totes — because they’re “totes adorb!”
Honestly, I don’t know how I neglected to mention this very same thing. Stick a designer makeup label on a zipped mini-tote and you cannot pry it from my hands. It’s mine, all mine … bwahahahahahaha!
You are so good! We all hoard stuff, then buy containers to store them in. The Container stores love us for it, but we eventually run out of room. You really nailed this one!
Too funny. That’s what I did, too, before we moved to Florida, where there are no basements! In Michigan, our basement was lined with shelving an we bought clear containers, and everything was clearly labelled, like in a warehouse. We’ve had to really limit our load, moving across state lines to a place with no basement and no garage. You have me longing for the good old days, when I was an OCD hoarder!
OMG i’m exactly like this. My downfall is makeup bags. I have every makeup bag and matching tote from the cosmetics counters since the early 90s. Sad part is – I’m a lunatic and carry my makeup in a ziplock bag in my purse and the rest goes into bins. Not once have I opened an actual makeup bag. I just cannot part with them!
How could I neglect to mention free designer cosmetic bags??? I LOVE my free makeup cases and cannot part with them. I actually use mine!
I’m kind of the same way with free ebooks and online tutorials. I hoard them. I think it’s worse almost, because I rarely ever read them, but I need them. Just in case. I used to be the tote girl, and then I snapped and tossed all of them. Now there’s not a tote when I need one. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I am an extremist maybe?
And you totally need that cute umbrella.
At least your hoard only takes up cyber space! My husband could never complain about that! And thanks for supporting me on the umbrella!
Almost my entire makeup CASE (yes, I require one of those fancy “train cases” for my makeup hoard) is made up of free makeup samples. and not just the good brands, I’m a make up ho – I’ll take any free stuff.
but other than that – I hate anything else cluttering up my home.
Pay no attention to those jars holding mints and candies that came free with the bill.
I’m with you! And I’m sorry, but any woman who DOESN’T love free makeup, needs to be kicked out of the tribe!
Another great blog!!! Although, I have to say that I sympathize with Jim (and Danielle). Though you put this ‘F’ word into an AMAZING piece, you and my Mom could fill houses with your “free” hoarding. Now, we just wonder what we are going to do one day when my Mom passes (which we hope isn’t anytime soon). My Dad has given up, so now we just wonder what awesome “treasures” we will stumble upon in 20 years. I’m proud of you for going cold turkey on free things (minus VS panties, totally worth it)
On my own behalf, we’ve moved from a 2400-square foot-house in Michigan, with a 1200-square-foot basement and a roomy 2-car garage to a much smaller house in Jersey, with a basement and one-car garage to a 1200-square-foot bungalow in Florida with no basement and no garage. We have gotten rid of 3/4 of everything we own, so I could no means truly be described as a hoarder. However, we are constantly thinning things, and it always seems to start with me! Thanks for sticking by me with the panties!
Ooh- good luck!
Holy crap you fooled me at first! No way am I showing this to my husband though because I don’t wanna play that laundry basket game—I’d lose every freebie in my house! FUNNY post!!!
My daughter was about 9 at the time and cracked up hysterically every time I missed a shot … until we tried the same game with her massive stuffed animal collection. After having to give up just 2, she gathered up the blanket upon which we had placed her collection and walked away with her bundle, muttering “I don’t like this game.” LOL!
Great post and so funny! I also have so many totes I don’t know what to do with them. I thought I’d cured myself but then I wanted to start using tote bags instead of paper or plastic at the grocery store and now I have so many again. My wanting to do good for the environment is getting the best of me. Thanks for sharing! Virginia- firstclasswoman
Great post!!!! Love it..on that note Lancome hs in gift! I’ll keep the tote and u can have the goodies :-). Call me 813-926-7223
Heck no, girl! I love those makeup bags! Is this gift going on now? I need foundation, eyelid base and mascara!!!
When I started going to blog conferences I would bring home boatloads of free stuff that I never used. I’ve given up that habit.
Oh no. Is BlogHer going to have free stuff? This could be like taking an alcoholic to a bar!
Girl, BlogHer is free tote central. Be forewarned! lol As for your husband’s ‘get rid of an old one when you get a new one’ tactic, doesn’t he understand the bond forged between a woman and her accessories. That’s easier said than done! Signed, A Tote Hoarder in New Jersey
Free tote central? Oh no, I’m going to be like an alcoholic in a bar!
I am CRYING with laughter!! This is SO FUNNY and SO true!! Because, honestly, at the end of the day who can say no to free stuff??!!-Ashley
Not me! And I’ve now heard that BlogHer is a veritable wonderland for someone like me!!! I’m a little scared!
I recently went on a binge collecting absolutely every free sample of anything I could get my cheap little hands on. I even went so far as to keep a list of all of the samples I’d requested so I could keep track of what little goodies I could expect in the mail. Two days after my binge, I reflected upon it all with more shame than when I recall my most drunken night ever.
Also, your description of Sensodyne? Funniest thing I’ve read all weekend.
Since I’ve actively given up trying to score anything that’s free (with the exception of makeup samples and Victoria’s Secret underwear) a few random items have continued to roll in from my freebies signups … two of the new chewable Tums … a nosestrip to prevent snoring … and a biodegradable sanitary napkin. When you sign up for those freebies, they make it sound like you’ll get good stuff and don’t tell you they’re only going to send you enough detergent for half a load of laundry. Me thinketh the “free” isn’t worth the months of torturous email spam. I love your line about drunken shame. I’m going to go check out your blog, too, because I LOVE your sense of humor! Thank you for reading and for taking the time to leave your hysterical comment. And I’m honored I was among the funniest things you read all weekend!
Oh my, that’s me! I have a TON of freebies that I know I don’t need & I’m determined I’ll give them to that friend that does need them. I take them home & put them on my desk…and 3 months & a layer of dust later, they get trashed when my mom purges my office space!